Life of PeePee

Don’t read this post if you’re about to eat a meal or are squeamish about bowel movements. You’ve been warned.

While travelling a few weeks ago, I had a moment of great clarity and dread. I went into a restroom to drop a couple of kids off at the pool. When I finished my business I reached for the toilet paper, only to find the roll empty. I quickly scanned around and found a second roll, but not before I noticed that the toilet I was using was equipped with a bidet.

I’ve never used a bidet before.

Nor do I know how to use one. How do you use one? Do you just splash water on yourself, hoping that the force of the water loosens everything and it all falls neatly into the bowl? Or do you use your free hand to help things along? How do you know when it’s all clean? What about after your done? Do you just “air-dry”? Or do you use tissue paper as well? Which makes me ask, why not use tissue paper to begin with?

Then it occurs to me that I don’t know how to use a squatting toilet either. These kinds of toilets are even more common in Asia. Sometimes, they are just a hole in the floor. Sometimes it has water and flushing mechanism as well. How do you use one of these? Do you pull your trousers to your ankles? What if you have a particularly powerful session? (This is going to be gross) Won’t there be splatter? And what about cleanup? If it’s just a hole in the floor, will there be tissue paper? Or do you need to bring your own? There are just too many questions.